"Out of difficulties grow miracles." - JDLB

I hadn't planned to write in here if it wasn't baby-related, hence why I've had no posts lately. Not much luck on the baby front. However, that definitely doesn't mean my mind is far away from topic. There have been some days better than others, and today was particularly one of the "bad" days.

I know it's no one's fault, not even my own, but I am upset that I am getting older and almost wasting these days when we could be spending them with a little family. I know I'm so, SO fortunate to find Dave. And I am so thankful for the strength of my marriage, but it just doesn't negate that something is missing from our lives. I try not to blame myself for wanting to wait until October 2012 to start trying, but sometimes I can't help it. I wonder what if. What if we started trying right when we got married like Dave wanted to? What if we *gasp* started trying before our wedding? Yeah, I wouldn't have checked off many things on my silly "must-do-before-kids list", but at least maybe I wouldn't be feeling like I am right now. Like I've made a life mistake. Realistically, I know I'll never know, so there's no use thinking about what might've been. They say everything happens for a reason so I've gotta be thankful for having those months to just be husband and wife, I guess.

I realize this is just me feeling sorry for myself, and people have much worse situations. But it hits home real hard when I hear of people nonchalantly talking about being pregnant, like, "oh, what the hell, I might as well take a test since my eye has been twitching a little more than usual today." (You know some people think everything is a pregnancy symptom, right?) And then, "oh, look it's positive! Well isn't that great, I wasn't even trying! In fact, I didn't even want to get pregnant." Hearing of these types of situations does get old when I literally count down the days until I can test and getting pregnant is something that is constantly running through my thoughts. Read: CONSTANTLY RUNNING THROUGH MY THOUGHTS (like a crazy person). I can't imagine being so blase about something so huge. And, for people to say those types of things to me, when they know how bad Dave and I want this, and our recent loss. It's just a little extra icing on the depressing cake. 

Anyway, luckily I don't have many bad days like this, and really we've haven't been trying for long in the grand scheme of adult fertile years. There are many people who are in harder situations than us and I guess I can learn something from their strength and positivity.

I've just gotta keep Dave and those good friends by my side and hold their encouragement high on days like this. They make it feel like these bad days will be okay in the end.

 

 

Believe it's true.