We wanted a baby and were given an angel.

**Warning: below I have described in graphic detail my experience of miscarrying at home. It may be disturbing to some people.**

I'm going to write about my miscarriage, so that I can remember, and so that I can more easily have a way to explain to people who ask questions so I don't have to relive it every time. I need to let go and have closure, and writing has always been the easiest way for me.

Saturday December 8th was one month and one day since we had found out we were pregnant. Passing that one month mark felt like a great feat to me. Dave and I had a great afternoon, we went out to lunch, went to the mall and attempted to go Christmas shopping and clothes shopping, but both of us were exhausted and just wanted to go home to nap, so we decided we'd come back the next day. We went home and laid down to have a nap. Dave set his alarm to wake up in just enough time so he could go to the gym and fit in a workout before it closed. It was only minutes after he left that I noticed I was spotting bright pink.

My stomach dropped and swore aloud. I text Dave, "I am spotting". He called me right away and I told him I'm pretty sure it's normal and we won't worry about it as long as it stops soon. It might just be a one-time thing.

When he came home from the gym we decided we were going to get ready and go spend the evening at his parent's house and watch a movie. Just before we left, I used the washroom and found bright red blood on the tissue when I wiped. I screamed for Dave. I knew it was a bad sign.

We tried to keep it together as we decided what to do. We could wait it out or we could go to the ER. After all, it was Saturday night. We knew the chances of anywhere being able to give us an ultrasound were slim...but I needed to know what was happening with my baby.

I was supposed to be 8 weeks pregnant the next day.

We decided to try to find a place that would do ultrasounds during an emergency. We looked online and found an urgent care center affliated with a large hospital nearby. We went there. They took my vitals and told me they didn't do ultrasounds on the weekends, but the larger hospital did. So, I told them I didn't want to proceed further and waste their time...I wanted an ultrasound. So, we left there.

We went to the other hospital and waited in the ER. When we saw the nurse she told us they don't do ultrasounds past 8 pm. It was almost 10pm. But they wanted to do bloodwork and wanted me to talk to the doctor since our biggest worry, ectopic pregnancy, needed to be ruled out. (An ectopic pregnancy is a pregnancy that grows outside of the uterus, usually in the fallopian  tubes. The pregnancy cannot survive, and needs to be removed before it grows too large and ruptures which will cause internal bleeding and can kill the mother.)

We waited and I eventually saw a doctor around 10:30. He asked a lot of questions and told me based on my answers and my symptoms he is not concerned about an ectopic. They took my blood to test for pregnancy hormones and told us it'd be a one and a half hour wait.

I cried in waiting room while we waited for the results. After all, I had the instinct the entire pregnancy that something was "off". I had no symptoms. None...well, except for that horrid hive rash which had disappeared about 5-6 days earlier.

We googled "hcg levels at 8 weeks" and learned that normal hcg (pregnancy) hormone levels should be between 7,650-229,000 at 7-8 weeks of pregnancy. So, sure, the range is huge but being that I would've been 8 weeks the next day we were going to be satisfied if my levels were about 9,000 or higher.

The doctor came back and sat with us in the waiting room and told us the results. I am O+ blood type and my hcg levels are 4400. He explained, "which are on the low side, but need to be confirmed with an ultrasound".

He got up to get the requisition for the ultrasound I'd be able to get the next morning and the news of the low hcg levels registered in my head. I started bawling. I knew this was it. Our baby was gone.

That night I didn't sleep. My mind raced through everything. All of the people we've told about this pregnancy, all of the changes we've made, all of the excitement we've had, all of the hopes...

You know, I used to wonder how people got so upset after a miscarriage. Especially an early one. I mean, you only have known about that baby for such a short amount of time...and is it even a baby? Well I've learned now why. Because the second you see that positive pregnancy test, you are a mother. You are responsible for a new life that is YOURS and your husbands. It's the only thing that you've ever made together and ever CAN make together and you guard it with your life. It's instant love. You are it's only protector and chance of survival. And then when you find out it's gone...well, it's just pure devastation. Your job as a mom is done. Over. It's hard not to feel like you've failed that little life.

So, the next morning I drank four bottles of water on the way down to the hospital again to get the ultrasound. It was a sobering experience when you don't expect good news and typically going to your first ultrasound, to see your first baby should be one of the most exciting experiences of your life.

We waited in the waiting room, and I held back the tears. The ultrasound technician called my name and told Dave to stay behind. They wouldn't let him come with me. I followed her in and she asked my birthday. I didn't respond. I wasn't even there. She asked again, this time frustrated with me and that's when I realized she had asked me a question and I blurted it out. She told me to lay on the table and I did. The monitor was faced away from me so I couldn't see it.

She moved the wand around on my lower abdomen. And then she said that she would've been able to see more, but I didn't have a full bladder. She'd have to do the internal ultrasound. She told me to empty my bladder and come back. So, I did and came back and took off my clothes from the waist down. She put the internal wand in me and started taking pictures. I was doing alright for the first minute or two, but then as I lay there in the dark room, staring at the ceiling I realized that this lady is looking at our baby.

This ultrasound technician is the ONLY ONE who will ever see what Speck looks like! I just started crying right there as she kept snapping pictures at every angle. She asked me if my dates were right, am I sure that I'm really supposed to be 8 weeks today? I told her yes. After all, I charted my ovulation, used OPK's and got a positive pregnancy test on November 7th. There's no way that I could be any less than 8 weeks.

That confirmed it for me. Speck was measuring under 8 weeks. I continued to cry.

When she was finished, she told me that I was to go back to the ER and tell them I just had an ultrasound and they'd give us the results. I got dressed and went back to the waiting room where Dave was sitting. He looked up at me so sadly and I just ran to his arms and cried. I tried to tell him how it's so unfair that she got to see our baby and I never will and that it doesn't sound like there is going to be a good outcome.

We just sat there until I stopped crying and then headed back to the ER where we had spent so many hours the night before.

We waited another couple of hours. I spent them crying in the waiting room full of people. Finally they put us in a room where we waited for the news from a doctor. I cried more.

The doctor came in and explained that there was no heartbeat detected on the ultrasound. The diagnosis was "embryonic fetal demise". I asked him how far the baby grew, and he said the ultrasound measured 7 weeks. Speck had only died the WEEK BEFORE. All of this time I worried something was wrong, and here, everything was okay up until last week. I regretted not enjoying the earlier weeks being pregnant instead of worrying. Everything was okay then. The baby's heart would've started beating at the end of week 5. It would've had a week of heartbeats. If I only knew.

The doctor told me that this type of miscarriage is extremely common. It is usually caused by a chromosomal abnormality that prevents a baby from living. This chromosomal abnormalty is usually a one-time thing, and nothing that I could've caused or prevented. He went on to say that it was nothing I ate, nothing I drank, nothing I didn't do. He said it is not caused by stress. He said it wouldn't even happen if I was "intravenously injecting myself with cocaine... It's just a fluke". Our baby "wasn't right from the start and when you're that little you don't have a deformity or disability you just die". As hard as it is to hear, it's good to know that it isn't likely to repeat and that it was nothing that I would've been able to protect my baby from this.

Now, I'd have options about what to do next. The doctor told us that I'd need to be examined by a gynecologist and talked to about my options.

So, we waited more and I cried some more in the waiting room. Then we met with the gynecologist that was AWESOME. Her and her medical student (who was also very nice and helpful) explained my three options.

1) Wait it out and let the miscarriage happen naturally. This option they don't like to do because if you leave the tissues inside for too long they can become infected.
2) Induce contractions and cervix dilation medically to start the miscarriage.
3) Perform a D&C surgery to remove the baby and the tissues and be done with it. The doctor explained they don't like to jump to this option because the surgery comes with risk of scarring and chance of uterine perforation.

I chose the medicated option. The doctor performed a pelvic exam and inserted the medication. She explained to me to expect a great deal of pain and bleeding. She also said that the medication works for 85% of women to expel the pregnancy and it's contents, but if for some reason it doesn't work I may need to have the surgery because we can't leave tissue.

She sent me home with another dose of the medication I was to use in 24 hours to ensure I "get rid of everything".

We left the hospital at about 2:00pm and stopped at Shoppers Drug Mart to get my prescription of Tylenol 3's so I'd make sure to have them on board when the pain started. The doctor warned me MANY times to expect great pain...so I knew it'd be no joke. The mild period-like cramps started while we were in Shoppers Drug Mart waiting for the prescriptions. 

We went home and ate lunch. Just as I was finishing, the cramping started to get more intense, but still pretty bearable. Dave asked if I wanted to take the T3's and I said no, not yet. What a mistake. Within about 10 minutes, the pain was excruitiating. I took the T3's. This was about 4:30pm.

I went to the bathroom since it felt like I was going to be sick from either one end or the other. Sitting on the toilet was like torture. I was shaking uncontrollably, I could barely sit still. But I was sweating. A cold sweat. I asked Dave to get me a bucket incase I threw up. I wanted to throw up so badly.

I fell to the floor on the bathroom, and thankfully the door was closed so Dave didn't have to see me like that...I didn't even have the strength to pull my pants up. The pain was a 10. I had never felt pain so bad. My uterus felt like a rock. Like it was exploding inside, and the pain from my cervix felt like a knife the size of a baseball bat was inside of me. I was curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor and I couldn't move. Every inch of movement felt like so much extra pain. Dave was sitting on the other side of the door trying to talk to me, but I couldn't even answer. Talking made everything hurt, too. I just hyperventilated and tried to focus on the pain and kept thinking how every second is one more second closer to being done with it.

Obviously the Tylenol 3's had not kicked in. The few times I managed to speak I said to Dave, "please get me relief" and "google this...tell me how long it lasts". He read to me off google that the pain lasts a few hours and he told me the tylenol kicks in within the hour. He told me it had been about 45 minutes since I had taken it. (I had NO sense of time whatsoever.) He kept telling me to come out of the bathroom. All I remember was he kept telling me to go to the couch, over and over and over...and I couldn't even answer him. Eventually I managed to get out, "I will go to the couch when I can".

Some time after laying here for what seemed like hours, I managed to pull my pants up and told him to open the door. He did and I spilled out of the bathroom onto the floor in the front foyer. I remember I liked the feeling of the cold floor on my body. I was sweating, and felt sick, so it felt nice. Dave kept begging me to go to the couch, but I kept ignoring him. The thought of walking was too much to bear.

He laid beside me by the front door for some time. I remember him laughing about what the neighbours would think if they saw us laying there...but at the time, I didn't think twice. I didn't care. The pain.

After some time, and some more begging from Dave, I somehow moved to the couch. While I laid there and he sat on the ground infront of me, I remember the pain starting to go in waves. The most intense waves of pain I've ever felt. The wave of pain was my ENTIRE lower abdomen...excrutiating....and then it would only slightly fade for about 10 seconds, and then come back full force again for about 20 seconds and then only slightly fade for 10 seconds...in and out. As bad as it still was, those slight breaks inbetween were moments to gather myself. Dave was giving me water by holding the water bottle to my mouth and that felt like a breath of fresh air as I dripped sweat.

Eventually the contractions were done in my uterus and I could only feel them in my cervix which was MUCH easier to bear. I could finally stand to move my legs and turn over and close my eyes. I'm not sure if the Tylenol 3's were kicking in or the contractions were coming to an end, but it was heaven to have relief.

And eventually, the pain was over. I was myself again. I sat up on the couch and just could NOT believe what I had just felt. I joked about how our neighbours probably think we're whackjobs who lay on the front ceramic floor for kicks, and about how I have NO idea how people don't get epidurals. I would've done absolutely anything, ANYTHING for relief.

I still was not bleeding at that point. The bleeding started only about an hour after...and it wasn't really "bleeding", it was more like clotting when I'd go to the bathroom and pushed.

At about 9:30pm I believe, I went to the bathroom to push out more clots, and along with the clots was my baby. It was skin-coloured, C shaped small bulgy ball of tissue, about a centimeter in length. I left it there, and asked Dave if he wanted to see it. He said no and told me that I shouldn't do this to myself either. I agreed. We cannot sit there and stare at something that just was not meant to be. Nothing will ever bring Specker back. I said goodbye in my mind, realized how lucky I was to even see my baby, and flushed as Dave watched from the hallway. As emotionally traumatizing as it sounds, I am glad I had control over the end. I would've wondered what it looked like if I had gotten the surgery and had doctors dispose of it. I'll never forget how tragic it is to first lay eyes on your baby as it is in the toilet...and I just hope to have a different outcome one day. It will all make that moment that much more special someday, I'm sure. But for now, this is all the closure I can possibly get.

So, now, I'm still trying to pass all of the  tissue. There's still a chance I'll need the surgery if all of the tissue doesn't pass. I took the second dose of misoprostol on Monday and it didn't cause anything but normal period-like cramps and some clots. I'm not bleeding, so I am definitely scared that I will have gone through all of this for nothing and still need the surgery. I have an ultrasound tomorrow to check if everything's gone and then I meet with the doctor on Friday to talk about our next steps one way or the other.

There have been a few things I've learned from this whole experience:

• if you're pregnant or a mom, trust your instincts. I knew something was off, I had a feeling from the beginning. Everyone thought I was over-worried.
• as nice and well-meaning as you're trying to be there are some things you should never say to someone having a miscarriage. They are: "it's meant to be", "it's just natural", "at least you were only pregnant for ____ length of time", "you can just try again", "it's God's way", "it's so common", "the baby wouldn't have lived", "something was wrong with the baby from the start"... None of these things will make someone who just miscarried feel better. She doesn't want another baby. She wants HER baby. She knows it's common, she knows it's natural, she knows she can get pregnant again...but it doesn't make THIS pregnancy and THIS miscarriage any easier. Just tell her that you're sorry, and if  there is any sincere thing you can do for her, offer it. But if she's anything like me, she'll just want to be left alone to grieve. The last thing I want is for anyone but my husband to see me right now. I feel I'd have to put on a show, and I have no energy for that.
• a baby is a mother's baby whether it lived 1 day or 80 years
• my husband and I are so ready to be parents
• life is not fair
• If you know of someone who just had a miscarriage, and they know that you know, you should really say that you are sorry for her loss (if you are). Otherwise, it seems awefully like you don't give a shit. Times like this you really learn who your real friends are.
• No one should ever have to go through that physical pain without a healthy baby as a reward in the end.
• after researching misoprostol I've learned that medically induced labour is usually even more painful than natural labour because you're forcing your body to do something it wasn't ready to...and T3's are not strong enough. Apparently using misoprostol to induce contractions in a miscarriage 50+ days gestation are on a whole different level of pain. The placenta has formed by this point and needed to detach from the uterine wall, and that is what causes the intense pain.
• I'm getting an epidural next time.

RIP Speck. I hope your 7 weeks were comfortable.
We love you.

7 weeks!

Little Speck is now half an inch in size and is looking more like a baby rather than a reptile everyday! An upper lip, a nose and little eyelids are all forming. Speck's fingers and toes are still webbed, but they are starting to differentiate into fingers and toes rather  than little paddles. And his/her little heart is now beating on average, 150 beats per minute.

Our chalkboard wall is finally done! Now I can start posting weekly bump pictures.

((I will updating this post with my 7 week photo tonight or tomorrow))

How far along: 7 weeks

6 weeks!

The deal with Speck:

This week his/her eyes, ears, chin, cheeks, jaw and nose are beginning to form. The kidneys, liver and lungs are developing and his/her heart has started to beat! <3 Right now Speck is about a quarter of an inch from crown to rump (they don't measure from head to toe because babies are so curled up in there).

There will be no chalkboard pic of me this week. My hubby painted the wall today, but it will take a few days to dry. I'll have a chalkboard pic next week for sure! :)

How far along: 6 weeks!! Woohoo! It feels like some kind of milestone for some reason.

Size of baby: sweetpea.
Total weight gain: -3 lbs.
Symptoms: Just a little more tired than normal, nothing too bad. Oh, and some weird hives started showing up on my arms and legs last Wednesday. They were soooo itchy, and the more I scratched, the more it started looking like a rash. I am pretty against taking ANYTHING in the first trimester (even Benadryl, although I've been told it's safe), so I just toughed it out. Yesterday I went to the walk-in clinic and the doctor prescribed me hydro-cortisone cream that I refuse to take. I'd really rather suffer than take my chances with meds at such a delicate stage in the game. I believe it's starting to go away now. I'm still itchy and the bumps are still there, but no new ones really. I kind of hope this is an allergic reaction and not a reaction to the pregnancy hormones. If I had to endure this crazy rash for 9 months I think I'd have no skin left at the end of it...I'd probably rip it all off scratching! Other than that, no symptoms. :)
Food aversions: No food aversions. I don't discriminate!

Cravings: I haven't had any cravings, really.

Maternity clothes: Not yet, hopefully not for a long while either. Although, I have been looking at some cute maternity websites and it will be a pretty fun excuse to do more shopping!
Next appt: December 19th. I saw my family doc last Wednesday and I got referred for my first ultrasound on January 7th! I can't wait to see Speck and see that everything is okay!

Boy or girl: I still think boy!

What do you miss: Sushi! I went out with two of my best girls this week for sushi. It wasn't the same just ordering vegetable rolls and cooked items...but it will satisfy the craving for 9 months. Oh, and coffee. I'm trying to have hardly any caffeine until I'm out of the first trimester, and boy oh boy, it's tough!
What are you looking forward to: We are having our "Christmas" get-together with our parents this Saturday at our place. Really, it is a Christmas gathering, but it's mostly to tell them our good news! So, I'm so nervous and excited. This is crazy.

Emotions: Happy!

Plans for the week: I'm going to tell work this week because I need to be moved out to a safer job. I'll be putting up the Christmas tree, too.

5 weeks!

How far along: 5 weeks
Size of baby: apple seed
Total weight gain: - 3 lbs
Symptoms: mild aching/cramping most days & very, very emotional. I get emotional at everything, happy & sad.
Food aversions: None yet.
Cravings: Salad still!
Maternity clothes: None yet, and hopefully not for a long while!
Next appt: Next Wednesday with family doctor and December 19th with a midwife!
Boy or girl: We're thinking boy now!
What do you miss: My friends, I can't wait to tell them & coffee! I decided with my husband that I'll try to avoid caffeine. I'll reassess after the delicate first trimester is over.
What are you looking forward to: Telling people!
Emotions: Extremely happy. I just feel so lucky and so excited. Every time I remind myself I'm pregnant I get this comfortable feeling.
Plans for the week: My husband and I are on holidays this week together. We are working on our house. We bought a new dining room set,  TV, couch for the office (making room for the baby's nursery) and we're painting a few rooms! Including my chalkboard wall!!! So, hopefully I'll have a chalkboard pic next week! :)

4 weeks!

I will be updating each entry with a photo of me and my bump (non-existent right now) soon. I'm trying to get my husband to paint a chalkboard wall in what will be the nursery so I can take my picture in front of it. Hopefully it will be good to go in a couple of weeks but until then I will just update without my photo. Each week (Sunday) I will update on my progress.

How far along: 4 weeks
Size of baby: a poppy seed
Total weight gain: - 4 lbs
Symptoms: Aches in my back, hips and top of my thighs. Lazy/tired (I can't tell if this is real or I'm just using pregnancy as an excuse to laze around. ;)  And the most annoying thing is my neck/back pain. Again, I'm not sure if it's a pregnancy sign or it's just my pillow sucks, but it kept me up last night.
Food aversions: Nothing so far really, but I have no real appetite and I get full real quickly, hence my weight loss so far.
Cravings: Today I sent my husband out to get me McDonalds breakfast, caesar salad and Smart Food popcorn. Cravings or just me? You decide ;) But I have been really, really wanting a caesar salad for the past couple of days.
Maternity clothes: Not yet, thankfully haha.
Next appt: I have no freakin' clue. My doctor hasn't even got back to me with my blood test result to confirm the pregnancy. I am annoyed with this actually, but it was over a weekend and holiday, so I guess I'll call tomorrow and see what my next steps are.
Boy or girl: No idea! My husband and I were trying to guess today. We're pretty 50/50...shocker?!
What do you miss: My friends honestly. I feel like I'm trying to avoid them. I know they'll want to go for sushi and catch on immediately if I DON'T want to go for sushi or if I order non-raw fish items...makes me sad. But I can't tell them yet, it's just too early.
What are you looking forward to: Telling people!!!! x 1000! Other than that, I cannot wait to see a heartbeat on an ultrasound. The miscarriage risk goes down quite a bit after that, and it will make things so much more real.
Emotions: Feeling so happy and still in disbelief! My husband and I have nicknamed this baby "Speck" because it's the size of a speck right now lol. All we do is talk about little Speck.
Plans for the week: Wait to get my blood results from the doctor to confirm my pregnancy and figure out my plan for work from there. Friday I'll be seeing my mom!

Day Two

So, here we are, day two of knowing I'm pregnant.

I still CANNOT believe it.

Last night when my husband came through the door I went right up to him and pulled him to the kitchen. He didn't even have his coat off. He was all smiles, he knew something was up. I saw him glance at the gift bag on the counter a couple of times so I handed it to him. He was like, "what's this for? Is it my birthday? Is it our anniversary? Am I missing something?" And I told him no, it's nothing like that, it's just because I love you. He opened it up and looked at the onesie, he seemed really confused until he saw the test that read "pregnant". Then he was like, "yeah right!?" And we hugged and kept saying how much we really don't believe it. Afterward he told me that he rationalized with himself that the gift was probably my way of saying thank you to him for all of the laundry and dishes he's been doing lately. LOL! I told him to consider this his gift. I'm never going to be able to give him a better gift than this!

Honestly, it doesn't get any more real life than this!

I just, JUST got my positive pregnancy test! I can't even believe I'm writing these words. Just about 25 mins ago I tested and it was positive. I want to document this moment to have it forever. I took a test this morning with a simple strip and it was negative. Then I went to the doctors to check for other things and get my flu shot, came home and decided to torture myself and pee again. And I could've SWORE I saw a faint positive. So faint it looked like a shadow...LESS than a shadow on the strip. So I held my pee for another 2.5 hours and used a digital test that spells it out "pregnant" or "not pregnant" and how many weeks from conception you are so it takes the guessing out. And low and behold my test said, "pregnant 1-2 weeks". The first words out of my mouth? "F*ck off!". No one was around to hear.

My husband gets home from work in about 45 minutes. I already pulled out the onesie that says "Daddy's future fishing buddy" and put it with the positive test in a gift bag. It's sitting on the counter.

I can't even believe this. I really, really, REALLY CAN'T EFFING believe this. Like, something's gotta be wrong. The sticks didn't work, or my pee was defective (although I know this is not possible).... I just can't.believe.it. I don't want to get my husband all excited if it isn't real.

AHHH. I'll write later.

Waiting impatiently!

Okay, so here I am, just playing the waiting game. I will be testing in a week. It's really crazy how much my mind has changed since the last time I posted only a few days ago. That post was filled with fear, but since then I talked to my husband and a couple of my friends and came to realize, I'm always going to be scared of something. I'm sure every woman is, but I'm not going to let that get in the way of the happiness and excitement of this time.

So, now, I'm just waiting to see if we're the lucky ones who get pregnant the first month they try...

What an odd feeling.

So, we've officially started trying to conceive. It is the most unbelievable/odd/whackjobby feeling to know that you could have just created a LIFE. There could possibly be some little being ready to grow inside me. And let's not forget to mention, pregnancy has been something that I've been trying to avoid for my entire adult life, and here I am...allowing it. That in itself  is a weird, weird feeling - especially for a control freak like me.

I'm also dealing with some fears, too. First of all, whether this is our month or not, we're taking the leap to becoming parents. One of the only decisions we'll ever make in life that will last a lifetime, permanently. We are deciding from now until we die, we are going to be parents and until they are adults, we will be responsible for them. To admit to yourself that you're ready to be responsible for another life is a bigger concept than I think I can wrap my brain around, and yeah, it's scary as hell. But at the same time I know we're ready to bring everything we've learned in these 20-something years to life and learn as we go. Not to mention, we've got a lot of love to give and show to a child someday.

Also, my body. I am basically willing to surrender it over to another human who I have never even met yet. Any problems that it has, we will share together. Any problems I have, we will share together. Scary. Not to mention the weight gain. But as scary as it is, I can't wait to see my body do what it was made to do and have the honour of creating life. The fact that I can become pregnant will make me happy to be a woman (as corny as it sounds).

And lastly, my biggest fear of all, the birth. Come on ladies, so few people actually TALK about their birth experiences and when they do it's all unicorns and rainbows. I call bullshit. It must be one of the scariest days that a woman can live through. Basically, you have NO control over your body. Your body decides how fast or slow you contract, how painful it will be and any complications you can have. I just want to make it through. I don't care how painful, how long, how tired I might be...I just want to survive childbirth and deliver a healthy baby and I will be rid of this fear. I'm determined to make childbirth one of the happiest days of my life instead of the scariest as I look at it as being now.

Who knows, my next update could be it!

It's on!

Okay, so the time has FINALLY come! It's October bitches! :) We decided months and months ago that October would be the month we start trying for a baby. I can't believe it's here. I have been counting down the days, weeks, months, (literally, I have an app on my phone!) until October would be here.

So, I've been taking my prenatal vitamin since April, I've talked to my doctor, I've been charting, I've got as much in place as I could possibly prepare and we're ready to go!

Here's hoping for a July baby H!

First post eva!

Count me in for this blog thing!

I used to keep one when I was younger, about, 16-20 years old. When I got a real life, blogging about my everyday activities kinda stopped being fun and interesting. My posts went from, "I want to this crazy college party last night. I was rushed back to my friends apartment at 11pm because they thought I was about to die of alcohol poisoning and I don't remember any of it," to "This morning I was late for work, so I didn't have time to get my morning coffee. My whole day was spent dragging my ass around and fighting gravity with my eyelids." So, I gave up the blog. No one wants to read the ins and outs of my weekly laundry routines, which is truly sometimes the most exciting I get.

Until now.

I just got married in March 2012, and my husband and I are talking about starting our family. Well, we've been talking about starting our family for years, but now we're actually thinking and talking at the same time. This could be reality.

I figured no better way to document the amazing, once-in-a-lifetime experience that is beginning to start your family than a blog. I figure that way, it's not only for myself (I love to write), but also for other people who can relate to our situation or want to read along to hear what could possibly be in store for them when the time comes.

I know that there are a few baby blogs I've been following for some time now that really helped me prepare for when the time comes for us (not to mention, there is nothing more adorable than following along a pregnancy, or watching a little baby grow through the first year in a baby blog).

So, within the next few months, whenever we make that final decision that it is "time", I will start this blog to document our journey into the biggest step of life we'll ever take.